What images does Valentine’s Day bring to your mind? Hearts and roses, romantic candlelit dinners, Cupid pointing his arrow at your lover’s heart? Or has Cupid gone the way of Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny for you? When I talk to clients honestly about love, it often seems like there’s a huge gap between the love they want and the love they have. They yearn, go to endless personal growth workshops, work out at the gym, put ads in the paper and still their hearts swell with disappointment. In the face of that pain, sometimes it’s tempting to believe that the idea of love is the real problem and the only sane strategy is to put a wall around your heart.
As a coach, one of the things I do is to help people choose the perspectives that will get them the results they want. I mean, face it! What kind of result would you expect ‘putting a wall around your heart’ to get you?! And yet often that’s what people do. Another trap I see clients falling into is believing that love is somewhere “out there”, waiting to be found. This can set them onto a never-ending search outside of themselves. Yet another is the ‘deservedness trap’ - they work harder and harder to earn love, believing if they proved themselves worthy they would impress someone into loving them. They never stop to think that they’re already deserving of love and that working so hard could be getting in their way.
None of these ideas are really unique to my clients; in fact, it’s our culture that hands them to us on silver platters. They are reinforced through soppy love songs, movies, romantic novels, and the very notion of Valentine’s Day. And, to be honest, they don’t serve us very well.
Recent research in the area of Positive Psychology has proved the connection between gratitude and happiness… the more people can identify things to love and be grateful for, the greater fulfillment and satisfaction they tend to feel in their lives. You may think, “well, if I had x, y and z, I’d be grateful too!” And you may be right. But the trick is to notice and appreciate the small things that we have in our lives and to notice that they might not be as small as we thought. Gratitude is considered by Positive Psychology to be a personality strength, something we learn and develop through our experiences with life, not something conditional on what we have.
So what lights up your life right now? What are the small things that bring you joy, pleasure and passion? Taking the time to generate a list of the 10 top things you love may surprise you into realizing just how much love you have! Just to get you started, here’s my list:
1. Playing with my little dog, Sandy. He’s taught me more about unconditional love than any human could possibly share.2. My artist’s group. They support my love of art, creativity, music and help me push the boundaries of what it really means to ‘be love’.3. My clients. They are amazingly courageous and constantly amaze me with their capacity to make a difference in the world.4. Colleagues like Michelle Sanchez. They are open-hearted, generous and support my own zest for life!5. The earth, particularly the Rocky Mountains, and the coastal forest of the west coast. There is something awe-inspiring about spending time in wild beauty. And yet, if you really want to learn about love, think about the faithfulness of seasons – the flowers that always return.6. Wisdom traditions and the elders that have kept them. At the core of their teachings is the capacity to love, a love that inspires me to keep expanding my own capacity.7. Sunsets, stars, ice on trees, sandy beaches.8. Swimming, sitting in the hot tub, getting massages.9. Learning. I love learning – about people, foreign cultures, how to do things better…10. Great vegetarian food - Indian, Thai, Greek, Persian… anything spicy and exotic.
Yes, having a lover can light up your life. But whether or not you have a partner, there are far greater things that can help you to open your heart fully to life. You can chose to ‘be love’, and to make Life your lover or to live by cultural fantasies about love that don’t serve you. It’s your choice.
For more information about Marilyn’s coaching and retreats, including Your Heart’s Desire: A Valentine’s Retreat for Women co-led with Michelle Sanchez, see www.visionlegacy.com
